Bert Johnson - Artistic Soul

Bert Johnson, a long time friend and local character extraordinaire, died last week at the tender age of 44. Rather than fill this post with tears and sadness, I have opted to share some of my favorite Bert tales. First though, to my friend I say: Bert you were the kindest, most compassionate, heartfelt, man on the planet Earth. I know you felt tremendous pain all your life. I hope you have found peace wherever you are now.

There is an annual play held in the Astoria area called Shanghaied in Astoria. It is a campy, raucous, melodrama , in which the audience is encouraged (required actually) to participate. We boo and hiss, yell and scream, make inappropriate remarks about the character's looks and heritage, and especially throw popcorn all over the theater. Bert managed to show up so drunk, and be so obnoxious, that he became the only person in the production's 3 decade history to be thrown out AND permanently banned.

There is a small town south east of here called Birkenfeld. To me it seems less like a town and more like a really, really, big tavern. Like it takes up about 3 acres. The town is so small that one citizen had the address on his driver's license listed as "the white house behind the tavern". One fine summer evening, Bert and I picked up our old friend Dave and brought him to his home town to party it up with his relatives (uh, which was most everyone in town). The entire population was there at the tavern, engaged in one activity or another. Its one of those places common in rural America where the tavern doubles as a general store, post office, realty company, drug store...you get the picture. For several hours Bert and I soaked up the local atmosphere, which consisted of country music blaring over some blown-out speakers, ribs burning away on a makeshift oil drum barbecue, and little kids sitting at 50 foot long wooden tables eating corn dogs while the adults drank copious amounts of cheap, rot gut beer. That was perfect for Bert. He liked his crowds loud and rude, and his beer cheap and yella. Now you may remember that I mentioned a guy named Dave. Dave is louder, drunker, and more obnoxious than Bert was, and that is not an easy thing to accomplish. Bert and I both kept wary eyes about this here little redneck establishment/town as we swilled down the awful beer with the citizenry, wondering what sort of drama would enfold. Early on in the night Bert found Dave's younger sister and they proceeded to disappear out to the huge, ramshackle back porch the tavern boasted. In the meantime, Dave went off to have a chit-chat with his older sister, who happened to be in the ladie's room at the time. You see where this is going, right? Yep, sure enough, no sooner was Dave all kicked back in there, when an 11 year old girl walked in to use the toilet. You could actually hear her screams over the Hank Williams Jr. song. The ensuing madness was a thing of beauty. Imagine the Jerry Springer show coupled with Benny Hill on crack, and you'll have a good picture of that wonderful half hour. The banjo player in the corner never stopped playing and kept perfect accompaniment to the melee. Now I'm not sure if it was Dave's brother bill, or his other brother Bill, who came up to me and said "Chuck, we really like you and Bert, but we can't put up with brother Dave's bullshit. You and Bert are welcome to come back in the future, but right now we need you to throw Dave in your truck and get the hell out of town" Looking up at the twenty some country boys standing around our table, I was convinced pretty quickly. Four of the biggest farm boys picked Dave up by all four limbs and literally threw him into the bed of my pick up. I slammed my beer and made a quick beeline for Bert. There he was, shorts pulled down to his ankles, with Dave's sister's ankles up over his shoulders. He didn't pay much attention to me as I ran by screaming for him to get in the damn truck, but when he noticed the entire town piling on to the porch he pulled his pecker out pretty quickly and actually beat me to the car. As we rode off down Highway 202 laughing our fool asses off, Dave cursed and screamed obscenities, and the populace of Birkenfeld stood in the parking lot and waved us a pleasant goodbye. Bert was so proud to have finally been kicked out of an entire town.

No one, not even Bert himself, knows quite how it happened. Bert got himself permanently banned from Burger King. All we know is that it happened late at night and Bert was roaring drunk. This was more than ten years ago and the ban is still in effect to this day. Fast food restaurants have a stupendously high turnover rate in their personnel and hundreds of employees have come and gone over the past decade. Still every employee there knows to bar entry to the infamous Bert Johnson.

Then there was the time when the bosses at the KOA KAmpground where Bert was seasonally employed found him passed out on their riding lawn mower. He had placed a brick on the gas pedal and tied the steering wheel to the left with some rope. He enjoyed a long nap while the mower kept making left-hand circles for hours.

You may be wondering about the pink bunny ears. Bert had the audacity to show up to one of our halloween parties without a costume. We picked this one out especially for him out of the goofy costume's box.

Better Not Cave, Dems

Updated: 1:37 p.m. PT June 7, 2007
The Democratic-controlled Congress passed legislation Thursday to loosen restraints on federally funded embryonic stem cell research, but the bill’s supporters lacked the votes needed to override President Bush’s threatened veto.

The 247-176 House vote marked the second time in recent weeks that Democratic leaders chose to confront Bush over an issue on which they command widespread public support, following a veto struggle over a proposed troop withdrawal timetable from Iraq.

This time the controversy is at the uneasy intersection of medical research and politics, involving a type of cell that the National Institutes of Health says might serve as “a sort of repair system for the body.”


House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., appealed to Bush moments before the bill passed to sheath his “cruel veto pen,” and sign legislation that she said could help “save lives, find cures and give hope to those suffering.”

But the president responded quickly with a written statement that accused majority Democrats of recycling an old measure that he vetoed a year ago. Under the bill, “American taxpayers would for the first time in our history be compelled to support the deliberate destruction of human embryos. Crossing that line would be a grave mistake,” he said in a statement issued in Germany, site of a summit of world leaders.

The bill drew the support of 210 House Democrats and 37 Republicans. Despite the bipartisanship, the total was 35 votes fewer than needed to override a veto.

The Senate cleared the bill several weeks ago by a margin that was one vote short of the two-thirds needed to overcome Bush’s objections.

No suspense
There was no suspense about the outcome in the House, although personal experience punctuated Thursday’s hour-long debate to an unusual degree.

Rep. Diana DeGette, D-Colo., the bill’s chief Democratic supporter, spoke of her daughter’s struggle with juvenile diabetes. “As you can imagine, I am anxious about the idea of my child having to manage such a serious condition all by herself” once she goes to college, she said. “I share this anxiety with many parents of affected children.”

Moments later Rep. James Langevin, D-R.I., paralyzed since a gun accident severed his spinal cord several years ago, addressed the House from his motorized wheelchair. An opponent of abortion, Langevin said, “My education on this issue has filled me with tremendous hope, not only that stem cell research might one day lead to a cure for spinal cord injuries, but that one day ... families will no longer watch in agony as a loved one with Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s gradually declines.”

Opponents of the measure said they, too, support medical research, but insisted that the use of embryonic stem cells was the wrong approach on moral grounds — and possibly not even the most promising one scientifically.

“You’re talking about spare embryos now, but if it ever did work ... it would require the killing of millions of embryos,” said Rep. Chris Smith, R-N.J.

He said a recent report by the U.S. Catholic Conference listed numerous breakthroughs involving medical research conducted with adult stem cells, umbilical cord blood and amniotic fluid, none of which involve the destruction of a human embryo.

Several opponents of the measure also cited a day-old report from scientists who said they had succeeded in turning ordinary skin cells from mice into an embryonic state.

Clear political subtext
Whatever the scientific implications, the political subtext was clear.

The stem cell legislation was one of six bills that Pelosi placed at the top of her agenda when Congress convened, and she chose to preside when the measure passed. So far, the only other measure among the six to make it to the White House was a minimum wage increase.

According to the National Institutes of Health Web site, scientists were first able to conduct research with embryonic stem cells in 1998.

There were no federal funds for the work until Bush announced on Aug. 9, 2001, that his administration would make it available for lines of cells that already were in existence.

Elected with the strong support of abortion foes and other conservatives, he said at the time his decision was designed to balance concerns about “protecting life and improving life.”

He also limited the funds to cell lines derived from embryos that were surplus at fertility clinics, and that had been donated from adults who had given informed consent

Advocates of the veto-threatened legislation argue that the number of stem cell lines available for research is smaller than needed, and that some of the material has become contaminated over time by mouse embryonic skin cells that typically are placed at the bottom of culture dishes used in the research.

The bill would permit funding for research on embryonic stem cells regardless of the date of their creation, as long as they were donated from in-vitro fertilization clinics, they would “otherwise be discarded” and donors gave their approval.

“No stem cell would ever be taken from an embryo that was not destined to be destroyed in any event,” said Rep. Mike Castle, a Delaware Republican who has long bucked his party leaders to support the measure.

The More You Tighten Your Grip, Tarkin, The More Star Systems Will Slip through Your Fingers - Princess Leia

Court Rebuffs F.C.C. on Fines for Indecency


By STEPHEN LABATON

WASHINGTON, June 4 — If President Bush and Vice President Cheney can blurt out vulgar language, then the government cannot punish broadcast television stations for broadcasting the same words in similarly fleeting context.

That, in essence, was the decision on Monday, when a federal appeals panel struck down the government policy that allows stations and networks to be fined if they broadcast shows containing obscene language.

Although the case was primarily concerned with what is known as “fleeting expletives,” or blurted obscenities, on television, both network executives and top officials at the Federal Communications Commission said the opinion could gut the ability of the commission to regulate any speech on television or radio.

Kevin J. Martin, the chairman of the F.C.C., said that the agency was now considering whether to seek an appeal before all the judges of the appeals court or to take the matter directly to the Supreme Court.

The decision, by a divided panel of the United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit in New York, was a sharp rebuke for the F.C.C. and for the Bush administration. For the four television networks that filed the lawsuit — Fox, CBS, NBC and ABC — it was a major victory in a legal and cultural battle that they are waging with the commission and its supporters.

Under President Bush, the F.C.C. has expanded its indecency rules, taking a much harder line on obscenities uttered on broadcast television and radio. While the judges sent the case back to the commission to rewrite its indecency policy, it said that it was “doubtful” that the agency would be able to “adequately respond to the constitutional and statutory challenges raised by the networks.”

The networks hailed the decision.

“We are very pleased with the court’s decision and continue to believe that the government regulation of content serves no purpose other than to chill artistic expression in violation of the First Amendment,” said Scott Grogin, a senior vice president at Fox. “Viewers should be allowed to determine for themselves and their families, through the many parental control technologies available, what is appropriate viewing for their home.”

Mr. Martin, the chairman of the commission, attacked the panel’s reasoning.

“I completely disagree with the court’s ruling and am disappointed for American families,” he said. “The court says the commission is ‘divorced from reality.’ It is the New York court, not the commission, that is divorced from reality.”

He said that if the agency was unable to prohibit some vulgarities during prime time, “Hollywood will be able to say anything they want, whenever they want.”

Beginning with the F.C.C.’s indecency finding in a case against NBC for a vulgarity uttered by the U2 singer Bono during the Golden Globes awards ceremony in 2003, President Bush’s Republican and Democratic appointees to the commission have imposed a tougher policy by punishing any station that broadcast a fleeting expletive. That includes vulgar language blurted out on live shows like the Golden Globes or scripted shows like “NYPD Blue,” which was cited in the case.

Reversing decades of a more lenient policy, the commission had found that the mere utterance of certain words implied that sexual or excretory acts were carried out and therefore violated the indecency rules.

But the judges said vulgar words are just as often used out of frustration or excitement, and not to convey any broader obscene meaning. “In recent times even the top leaders of our government have used variants of these expletives in a manner that no reasonable person would believe referenced sexual or excretory organs or activities.”

Adopting an argument made by lawyers for NBC, the judges then cited examples in which Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney had used the same language that would be penalized under the policy. Mr. Bush was caught on videotape last July using a common vulgarity that the commission finds objectionable in a conversation with Prime Minister Tony Blair of Britain. Three years ago, Mr. Cheney was widely reported to have muttered an angry obscene version of “get lost” to Senator Patrick Leahy on the floor of the United States Senate.

“We find that the F.C.C.’s new policy regarding ‘fleeting expletives’ fails to provide a reasoned analysis justifying its departure from the agency’s established practice,” said the panel.

Emily A. Lawrimore, a White House spokeswoman, said Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney had no comment about the ruling.

Although the judges struck down the policy on statutory grounds, they also said there were serious constitutional problems with the commission’s attempt to regulate the language of television shows.

“We are skeptical that the commission can provide a reasoned explanation for its ‘fleeting expletive’ regime that would pass constitutional muster,” said the panel in an opinion written by Judge Rosemary S. Pooler and joined by Judge Peter W. Hall. “We question whether the F.C.C.’s indecency test can survive First Amendment scrutiny.”

GOP desperate, pull a John Kerry out of their Ass

Fred Thompson, Hollywood actor and former US senator possibly going to run as GOP candidate? Hollander's views are published in the last paragraph.

Washington - He has been a lawyer, a US senator, and a TV actor, and now Fred Thompson has made it clear that he's ready to audition for the role of a lifetime, president of the United States.

The 6-foot, 6-inch Tennesseean enters the 2008 race late, but not too late, analysts say, particularly because about half the Republican electorate has indicated to pollsters that the choices so far are less than inspiring. The top tier of GOP candidates all have perceived flaws, and thus Republican activists believe room remains for a straight-ahead fiscal and social conservative who knows how to play to the cameras. The folksy, avuncular manner and Southern twang also don't hurt.

"I think Thompson is going be formidable," says John Geer, a political scientist at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tenn.

Former Senator Thompson has not yet formally entered the race, but has explored the possibility for months and is now hiring staff. His advisers have told reporters he will formally announce over the Fourth of July holiday in Nashville. Without spending a penny, he already places in the GOP's top tier of candidates, at times breaking into double digits. The question is how much of that early support is really a vote for "none of the above," rather than an affirmative choice by Republican primary voters.

And, as Gen. Wesley Clark learned four years ago in the race for the Democratic nomination, it's one thing to be wooed by supporters with a draft campaign, but another thing entirely to actually run and open yourself up to the scrutiny and criticism of the news media and opponents. The difference, with Thompson, is that he has political experience and a bit of a shtick, which General Clark did not. Observers expect Thompson to dust off the red pickup truck that made regular appearances during his first Senate race.

Still, he has his work cut out as he seeks to introduce himself to Americans. Even if he's a familiar face to fans of NBC's "Law and Order" as District Attorney Arthur Branch, few voters could get beyond square one on Thompson's issue positions.

"Most people don't know much about Fred Thompson," says Stuart Rothenberg, editor of a nonpartisan political report. "Some know he's an actor, some know he's a senator, [but] I don't think anybody has gone through his political record with a fine-tooth comb. He's hardly an ideologue."

In easy comparisons with the nation's last (and only) actor-president, Ronald Reagan, Thompson probably does not stack up at this stage in that he lacks the defined ideology that turned Reagan the man into Reagan the movement. Thompson, in contrast, garners attention from the figure he cuts, and less from anything he did as a senator. In his eight years in Congress, he was not known as a leader on any particular issues.

"There are plenty of people who find him intriguing or appealing, because they see in him whatever they want to see in him," says Mr. Rothenberg.

Thompson's late entry into the race also raises questions about how much he really wants to be president – and whether he has the fire in the belly to embark on such a grueling race. But, some analysts say, the fact that Thompson was not born wanting to be president, in the manner of a Bill Clinton, does not necessarily hurt him. In Thompson's case, the fact that he has spent much time considering the possibility, being thorough and cautious, could help him.

"Ronald Reagan didn't have the burning desire to be president either," says Mr. Geer. "The American public could find that potentially attractive about Thompson."

Still, Thompson will face a steep task in fundraising, as the top tier of candidates have already raised at least $10 million each. Some analysts note that the Republican field's lower fundraising totals for the first quarter of 2007, in comparison with the Democratic field's take, show that there is a great reserve of untapped GOP money out there for Thompson.

Of the top candidates in the race, former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani enjoys wide name recognition but holds liberal views on social issues, which could kill his chances when voters start tuning in – especially religious conservatives. Sen. John McCain of Arizona, though a conservative on most issues, is also seen as unreliable by the Christian right. Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney wins points for his executive experience, but his recent shift to the right also leaves some conservatives cold.

Thompson is expected to gain in the polls when (and if) he does formally join the race. And if Thompson remains competitive, showing poll numbers in the top tier, that could deter another lurking Republican, former House speaker Newt Gingrich, from entering the race. Mr. Gingrich has long hinted at launching his candidacy in September, but if Thompson catches on, Gingrich may be frozen out.

"Where is Gingrich going to go?" says Tony Fabrizio, a GOP pollster unaffiliated with any '08 candidate. "He's already 100 percent known by [the party]. It will be tough for him to gain support until other people drop out."

Who Thompson hurts in the existing field and who he helps is open to speculation. Some analysts suggest that Mr. Giuliani gains, because Thompson's entry dilutes the conservative field. But it may be that Thompson takes away from all the front-runners.

Another unknown is how effectively Thompson will use all the modern tools of communication, particularly those that involve cameras. But given his long experience in television and film, Thompson could have a leg up over the other candidates. And for a taste of the Thompson style, the video of the former senator responding to liberal filmmaker Michael Moore about healthcare in Cuba, posted on Youtube.com, is one place to start.

• Zoe Tillman in Washington contributed to this report.

HOLLANDER SAYS: My initial thoughts on this are that Thompson is a slightly better actor than Reagan, and I have no idea what his politics are other than that he is conservative. Seems to me that the Republicans are looking for someone who shares their conservative values who will also be palatable to the general American public. They are wrong. Its the same thing the Dems did in the last presidential election by picking John Kerry. The thinking is always "We REALLY like this guy so everybody else will like him almost as much, and we will win!" All Thompson will do is dilute the Republican pool of candidates (like Ross Perot did) and take thunder away from the top-tier runners. Just as with the Democrats in 2004, all the in-fighting will further deplete the energy and capital of the Republican slate. Whomever runs against the chosen Democrat will be wiped from the map (barring a major Democratic sex scandal such as Obama and Hillary Clinton getting caught screwing each other's brains out on video) Hmm...how about Clinton / Obama for '08?

Kim Basinger - Now That's a Dance!

and this...

Sports

It is my contention that there are just too many activities out there that people like to call sports. American football is the only true sport isn't it? Let's see.

Golf. Golf is not a sport. Its men in ugly pants, walking. (I stole that from Rosie O'Donnell)

Baseball. Men having a picnic together in their pajamas while they all yearn to be safe at home.

Basketball. A meeting of thugs and reprobates.

Ice Hockey. White men bashing each other in the face with big sticks.

Lacrosse. Sounds French, 'nuff said.

Wrestling. Off Broadway theatre, dahling.

Boxing. Hockey without the sticks.

Soccer. Version Alpha - Drunken Europeans killing each other in the stands over a pointless game (often literally pointless, yay)
Version Beta - American women with funny looking hair-do's letting their urchins run around in a field for several hours to end up with a score of "fun-fun"

A Meme from Jacq - Join in, you Lay-Abouts

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30 AM

2. Diamonds or Pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the theater? I can't remember

4. What is your favorite TV show? Believe it or not, the Gilmore Girls. Mmm, love me some Lauren Graham!

5. What did you have for breakfast? Mocha, wheat bagel with garden veg cream cheese

6. What is your middle name? Edward

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian/Mexican/Chinese

8. What foods do you dislike? Pasta (yah, I know, it makes no sense)

9. Your favorite Potato chip? Snyder's Hawaiian Sweet Onion Potato Chips

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? My self-made MP3 disc of 60's & 70's

11. What kind of car do you drive? Chevy Avalanche

12. Favorite sandwich? Deli Roast Beef

13. What characteristics do you despise? Extreme flip-flopperence & waffleness

14. Favorite item of clothing? Boxer-briefs

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? West

16. What color is your bathroom? White/Burgandy

17. Favorite brand of clothing? Old Navy

18. Where would you want to retire to? Your bedroom

19. Favorite time of day? Sunset/Sunrise

20. Where were you born? Longview, Washington

21. Favorite Sports to watch? NFL

22. Who do you least expect to send this back? Everyone

23. Person who will respond first? Catsdigme

24. What laundry detergent do you use? Costco/Kirkland Signature

25. Coke or Pepsi? Regular Pepsi - Diet Coke

26. Are you a morning person or night owl? Both

27. What size shoe do you wear? 8 1/2, 10 1/2, 14 1/2. Depends on what part of the foot you're talkin bout.

28.Favorite animal? Pause

29. Any news you'd like to share with everyone?

30. What did you want to be when you were little? Big

31. Favorite candy bar? Butterfinger, dude

32. What are your favorite childhood memories? Grandpa Ted

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Janitor, maintenance, bartender, liquor store clerk, Oregon DHR, park ranger, life guard, business owner...

34. What color underwear are you wearing? Black

35. Nicknames? Chuck, Chucky, Chuckie, Chas., Charles, CV, Charley, Baby, Dear, Honey,Shithead, Whiney-bitch, fuck-nut, - people are sooo imaginative!

36. Piercing? Ear

37. Eye color? Brown

38. Ever been to Africa? No

39. Ever been toilet papering? No, egging

40. Ever loved someone so much it made you cry? Happens all the fucking time - Thanks!

41. Ever been in a car accident? Yes

44. Favorite restaurant? Taste of Tuscany, Shoalwater Inn, Wendy's

45. Favorite ice cream? Peanut Buster Parfait

46. Favorite flower? Multi colored roses

47. Disney or Warner Brothers? Warner Bros Rock!

48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Wendy's

49 What color is your bedroom carpet? Murder in the 1st degree red

50. Did you take your drivers test? Yes

51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email? Jacq

52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Pier 1 and Lowes

53. What do you do when you are bored? Sex works

54. What time do you go to bed? As often as possible

55. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? No one

56. Last person you went to dinner with? Mirilla

57 What are you listening to right now? The jury duty recording

58. What is your favorite color? royal blue

59. River or Lake ? Lake

61. How many tattoos do you have? None, tattoos are trashy and stupid

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The chicken. A chicken is an actual chicken, an egg is a potential chicken. shut up already.

63. How many people are you sending this Email to? None. It's on my blog.

64. Who sent this to you and what is something you didn't know about him/her? Jacq - very little

65. What materialistic thing would you ask for if you had one wish to make? A mansion and a yacht.

Drunken Sots

Is ther any other type of sot, really? I mean, have you ever known a sober sot? huh? Yah, I figured as much. So tonight was the annual graduation dinner for my business class. I am currently in the 8th year of a three year course. I am just that dedicated, or stoopid, whichever. This year I graciously invited (read drug their asses) my chief ecxeutive assistant/secretary/personal assistant/office manager Rachel, her funny-ass large breasted sister Heather (who I think I used to sleep with), and two of my three pseudo step-daughters to join the festivitieas.

It was quite fun watching the two younger ladies getting saused on virgin margaritas and daquiries. It was even more fun getting Heather and Rachel fucked up on the real thiung. I'm pretty sure its the only time I have ever rode in the backseat of my own vehicle. I found out I have tinted windows, a removeable rear windshield, and lots of leg room in that truck. Who woulda guessed that. I also determined that Stoli's Vanil vodka is the rockinest shit in the world, man. I have also determined something about myself. I like females.

Now I know that all the hetero guys in the world are SUPPOSED to like femalwes, but i mean I REALLY dig the feminine sex. I sat there at this semi-sorta-fun dinner and it turned into a total blast. I got to hear gossip, innuendo, dirty dirty sex talk, flirting, bitching,belching, laughing, and feighned insults to my (and everyone else's) masculinity. I got the chance to play host, date, daddy, lover, boyfroend, boss, and sugar-daddy to a group of beautiful women. I think my ego just got an erection and shot watermelon all over the first three rows of the audience, like Gallagher.

So here is my late-night, drunken tribute to all of the wonderful feamales in my life: In drunken-alphabetical order - Allanah, you are the sweetest, kindest, prettiest, most caring and loving girl a psedo-step-dad could ask for; Brenna, I am so proud of you. You put yourself out there every single day in any given situation and never show your fear, except to me, which makes me love you even more; Caroline, I've known you longer than anybody, and you've never changed. You are still that open, sensitive, 14 year old girl i met 27 years ago; Cindy, you are still an enigma to me, you have been since I developed that high school crush on you so many years ago. I still have that same crush on you now - oh mysterious one; Heather, that blend of free-spiritedness and responsibility is the biggest turn-on ever; Jacqueline, I've never fallen that fast, that hard, and that deep for anyone. I told you before that I've only bestowed the title of "the lovely" on four women in my lifetime. What I didnt say is that out of that select group, you are the one who receives the honor of "the loveliest", yes, even over Michelle; Mary, you cannot be contained. Thank you for showing me how to let go of life's responsibilities and stresses, and for loving me regardless of my current situation; Mirrila, I knew you and loved you before you were even born. I will always be there for you, till the end of your days; Rachel, you keep me sane. If it wasn't for you, I would have folded up my tent and wandered off into the desert to die more than two years ago. thanks for keeping me alive.

There are others, but these are the beautiful females who are in my life on a daily basis. I love you all.

Jury Duty - Day 1

My initial thoughts as I prepare to head off to my first day of jury duty are: Its early, I'm damn tired, oh my god I AM one of those people who are too stupid to get out of jury duty. I'll let you know how it goes.

DAY 1 IS COMPLETE. I SERVED ON A JURY!

The case was semi-interesting. At least it wasn't yet another drunk driving thing. A gentleman who listed himself as a transient was accused of stealing a 1989 Camry. We had some expert witness testimony, a little CSI type evidence, and even a bit of humor. I'll go into more detail later, but for now I'll tell you the results. We found him guilty of Unauthorized Use, and Possession of a Stolen Vehicle. We found him not guilty of Theft. There was an attempt (by three women as per usual) to make me foreman of the jury. Since I have held that position many times in the past I know what a pain in the ass it can be. I managed to get another man elected and he promptly made me his "vice-foreman". Great, now I'm Dick Cheney. More on this wonderful jury later.

THE SYSTEM WORKS - WELL IT DID IN THIS CASE ANYWAY

I was just explaining in the comments section of this post how I truly believe in the American trial by jury system. It is far from perfect. There are too many "activist" judges on the bench, although unlike our conservative citizens, I believe they are activists for the agenda of the political right. Many prosecutors are over zealous and care more about conviction rates than garnering the truth in a case. The police forces in our communities are filled with power mad, hateful, Neanderthals (not EVERY police officer, but a lot of them). It is the trial by jury, I feel, that is the one saving grace of our system of jurisprudence. If the decision as to guilt had been left up to a judge and prosecutor in the case I served on, the young man would likely have been found guilty on all counts and given the harshest punishment allowed.

Let me tell you a little about the people who made up the jury I was a part of yesterday. It was made up of six men and six women. We ranged in age from 25 to 70 years old. There were no represenatives of any minority peoples, but considering they make up less than 1% of the local population that is not surprising. We had a young, female newlywed. We had two business owners (including your's truly). We had a veteran high school teacher, and a first year kindergarten teacher. We had a retired accountant. We had a construction laborer. We had an elderly housewife. We had a stay-at-home dad. We had a social worker, a bank teller, and a fisherman.

TO BE CONTINUED...

AN ESSAY IDEA STOLEN BY CATS & TOLD FROM THE MODERN MALE POINT OF VIEW

Judy Syfers' essay was written for Ms. Magazine in 1971. My how times have changed
A 2007 answer to Why I Want a Wife by Judy Syfers.

Why I want a husband.

I belong to that classification of people known as husbands. I am A Husband. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a father. Not too long ago a female friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. She had one child, who is, of course, with her, not her ex-husband. After all, everyone knows that children automatically belong with their mothers, since all men are incapable of nurturing. She is looking for another husband. As I thought about her while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I too, would like to have a husband. Why do I want a husband?

I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and if need be, support those dependent upon me. I want a husband who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a husband to take care of my children, do the laundry, clean the house, do the grocery shopping, and tend to all of those many tasks once accomplished by housewives back in 1971. I want a husband who will do his fair share or more of these jobs while simultaneously performing 100% of the tasks traditionally thought to be purview of the American male. He must be able to take out the trash, mow the lawn, rake the leaves, clean the gutters, paint the house, repair any appliance, and of course "perform" sexually upon demand. I want a husband who will attend to my every physical, psychological, and emotional need while he keeps his needs discreetly to himself. He must be able to divine these needs so that it is not necessary for me to actually communicate them to him.

I want a husband who will pick up after me, and keep my 400 pairs of shoes organized, so that I can change quickly to run off to whatever meeting, date, or activity I have planned. I want a husband who will understand that I am a busy professional and that sometimes I simply do not have time for him. I want a husband who will be completely faithful to me. At the same time my husband must allow me to have physical and emotional relationships with other people, so that those needs of mine that he does not fulfill are met. I want a husband who will pick up after my children, run them to soccer practice, 4H meetings, after school activities, and play dates. I want a husband who will also volunteer to coach the children's teams so that no one thinks I am married to some kind of wimp.

I want a husband who cooks the meals, a husband who is a great chef. I want a husband who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying and flirt with my online lovers. I want a husband who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. Naturally I want a husband who will suck it up like a man and go to work quietly no matter how sick he may be. I want a husband to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and change. I want a husband to still do all of the traditional male jobs of driving, filling the gas tank, reserving the hotel rooms, ordering and paying for the food at the restaurants we stop at, and planning every second of the itinerary. I want a husband who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a husband having to do double the duties these days. But I want a husband who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a husband who will type my papers for me when I have written them.

If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a husband than the husband I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present husband with another one. In fact, I believe that I should have an entire group of potential husbands to choose from so that my needs and urges do not go unattended for even a second. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my husband will pay me a minimum of 50% of his assets, no matter how much or little I contributed to the marriage. I will take the children and he will be solely responsible for them financially so that I am left with plenty of money for me, without wasting it on the children..

When I am through with school and have a job, I want my husband to keep working, and remain at home, so that my husband can more fully and completely take care of a husband's duties.

My God, who wouldn't want a husband?

Gratuitous Friday Pseudo Sex

Jury Duty

Coming soon...my latest round of jury duty and the strange things that always happen during these times.


In the meantime...

WHY YOU WOULD WANT ME ON YOUR JURY

As the saying goes, would you want your fate decided by twelve people who were too stupid to get out of jury duty? I am not one of those stoopid 12. I have a brain and I actually know how to use it. I am one of those rare individuals who believes that jury duty is a necessary rite of citizenship. I do not try to avoid it. In fact, I rather look forward to serving once every couple of years. Contrary to how many of my fellow jurors in the past have thought, I believe every defendant to be innocent until proven guilty. No one is quite sure what that phrase "beyond a reasonable doubt" means, but I always take it as "the prosecution better damn well have its shit together and convince the hell out of me" that some poor schmuck is guilty. I don't care how well or how poorly you are dressed. I don't care about your pretty smile or your rad tatto's. I come to my conclusions based on the evidence presented, my incredible perception, and the veracity of the witnesses. Which leads me to...

WHY YOU WOULD NOT WANT ME ON YOUR JURY

I have a pre-disposed distrust of authority. I do not assume that because a person is a cop that he is automatically a good, honorable person. In fact quite the opposite is true. I believe that a person in a position of power must go well beyond the norm to convince me that he is not corrupt. I also believe that most prosecuters will go to any length to obtain a conviction whether they truly believe the defendant to be guilty or not. I would prefer that those in power would seek the truth, not inflated conviction rates for re-election purposes. We shall see what wonderful stories develop in the next 28 days.

Moby Grape

Gimme a Break, Wouldcha

Some of you may have noticed a short post a little while back in which I said I had just purchased a new vehicle. The auto in question is, indeed, a brand new pick-up truck type of thing.

I have been getting a considerable amount of crap from people since I started driving around in it. People who pass me on the street seem to react either with admiration or hatred. Please, people, neither is warranted. To those of you who are unduly impressed with my new ride I say that is very sad. To those of you who glare, frown, and flip me off I have a little more to say. Yes, it is a big, huge, fancy, luxury truck. You are wrong, however, that I am personally responsible for destroying the planet.

There are several points of which you must be unaware. First of all this truck has been completely redesigned for 2007. It was built with new materials which are somewhat lighter than even the usual non-metal auto body parts. Secondly it is more aerodynamic than most passenger cars. Then they did things (weird electronic things) to the timing, the fuel injectors, and the transmission to make it much more fuel efficient than a regular pick-up. It has an onboard computer system which interacts with Onstar via satellite to inform me immediately if the vehicle is not operating correctly. This includes inordinately high fuel emissions. Next, the engine is a V-8, but it is a Chevy 327 which is one of the most economical engines ever built. When the driving conditions are right the engine cuts off the fuel supply to half of the cylinders and the truck actually operates a lot of the time on only four cylinders. Lastly, the engine is "alternative fuel ready", which means it can run on ethynol 85 and certain other non-gas fuels without having to take it in for alterations first.

In my area we just got our first shipment of EH85 delivered. That means each and every gallon of fuel I put in it is 85% corn squeezin's and only 15% gasoline. What does your car take?

Don't Ask Me, I Don't Know Either

Allen Ginsberg

What kind of Whacko are you?

Could be some interesting results and follow-up discussion on this one if we all take this quiz on our religious beliefs found right about here.

Don't forget to visit this cool website that Cousin Ted turned us onto a couple of years back. Everything a whacko could want.

You scored as Buddhism.



Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already. In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.

Buddhism -----------79%
Paganism -----------67%
Christianity -------63%
Hinduism -----------63%
Satanism -----------54%
atheism ------------50%
agnosticism --------42%
Islam --------------33%
Judaism ------------25%

BUII

Step away from the Blog! Sir, have you had anything to drink tonight?

Why no, occifer, why would you axe such a stupid question?

Sir, I can detect a heavy odor of alcohol from your modem.

Nah, nah, don't misunderestimate me! I never post while I drimk.

Sir, I'll need you to step away from the keyboard and perform a sobriety test.

Shure, you betcha there occifer do-right. Ahm tellin yoo - I can pass one a dem no matter how drunk I am

Yes sir, please grab your mouse and touch the pointer to your blog roll

Like this?? (mouse zooms to sitemeter link)

Sir, you're in no condition to be blogging tonight. I'm afraid I'm going to have to cite you and have your computer impounded.

Fuck you! You nazi bastard!!

Sir, there's no call for that kind of language, You're under arrest. The tow truck will be here for your computer shortly.

Yoo don't unnerstands me! I need to keep my readers informed and entertained. All I had was a few teeny-weeny little glasses

Yes sir, uh exactly how many teeny-weeny little glasses?

242.

I see. Sir, your readers are going to have to do without your wit and wisdom for the time being.

But what will the poor deers do wifout me, Dick Tracy?

I'm sure they'll get along sir. Please get into the car.

Hey occifer, do ya spose that if you drink too much non-alcoholic beer that it makes you a non-alcoholic? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - BARF

I really don't know sir, please don't upchuck in the patrol car.

lyrics - Elton John Lyrics

Elton John - Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

One Night Fuck

A Woman's Revenge | Send To Friends | Funny Animation Movies at JibJab

From Kona's and Jacq's blogs

50 QUESTIONS
This meme came from Kona's blog. Read it. Blog it. Don't blog it. It's up to you.

1. How tall are you barefoot?
Exactly 6' 0"

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No

3. Do you own a gun? Yes

4. Who's your best friend? I don't understand the question.

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents?" If you don't, you're an over confident ninny.

6. What music are you embarrassed to admit that you listen to? None

7. What's your favorite Christmas song? Happy X-mas / War Is Over

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Mocha's

9. Can you do push-ups? Yes, but I refuse to count.

10. Why does one question always disappear? Uh. Don't really know.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My earring shaped like a black heart.

12. Do you like painkillers? Yes. Absolutely.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Money works

14. Do you own a knife? Nah.

15. Do you have A.D.D.? No.

16. Middle Name? Edward

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? WOMEN!(said with exasperation) THAT woman (said with greater exasperation) Where did my balls run off to now?

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought: a CD of the 80's greatest hits for Allanah, a DVD of a Barry Manilow concert for her mother, and 80 dollars worth of gas.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink: Mocha Latte, Cranberry juice, V8

20. What time did you wake up today? About 7.

(Yea, I just noticed question #21 is missing)

22. Current worry? Growing old and becoming the neighborhood crazy cat man

23. Current hate? Not saying, but Bush is not at the top of the list any more.

24. Favorite place to be? Inside a vagina

25. Least favorite place to be? work - duh

26. Where would you like to go? Indiana

27. Do you own slippers? No

28. What shirt are you wearing? black,old navy, long sleeve thermal

29. Do you burn or tan? Tan. I have some Indian blood

30. Favorite colors? purple, blue

31. Would you be a pirate? Did that in a previous life. It was fun but not again.

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink? 2 months ago

33. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? A shadow monster who was always just in the corner of my eye.

35. What's in your pockets right now? money, my wallet, some receipts

36. Last thing that made you laugh? I can't remember

37. Best bed sheets as a child? they were all plain.

38. Worst injury you ever had? Broke my elbow

(Yet another question missing)

40. How many tvs do you have in your house? 4 in each house

41. Who is your loudest friend? Again, I don't understand the question

42. Who is your most silent friend? You keep using this weird F word. It is a term used by people who are either too stupid or too lazy to define their relationships. If person 'A' is my "friend" and I am having sexual relations with that person then am I also having sexual relations with person 'B' if I also call that person a "friend"? No. Person 'A' is a lover (possibly other things as well) and person 'B' is quite likely someone with whom I drink beer. Relationships need to be defined in terms more fitting and descriptive.

43. Does someone have a crush on you? No

44. Do you wish on shooting stars? Yeah, when I was 4.

45. What is your favorite book? Too many to name

46. What is your favorite candy? M&M's

47. What song do you want played at your wedding? I'm a guy. We will like any song as long as the bride is there enjoying it.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Elton John's funeral for a Friend, how ironic. Or maybe oh-bla-di, oh-bli-da by The Beatles, also ironic.

49. What were you doing at 12 am last night? sending Jacq a surprise, overnight text message to wish her well in her morning job interview

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? Why is ther a cat sleeping on my head?

Happy Easter, Everybody!!

Easter Bunnies Evil Twin - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Tons of Free Pussy, or Why I Suddenly decided to Start Playing Tennis

My New Favorite Commercial - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Mr. Orwell?

Interesting. Sitemeter tells me that I have had two visits recently from someone at "house.gov" in Washington, DC. They used the search words China and Communism. Welcome to the Space, big brother.

Tips for buying safe pet food

The TODAY Show - NBC
Updated: 11:54 a.m. PT April 3, 2007
In the latest development in the pet food scare, the FDA said that it had not found rat poison in the tainted pet food, but melamine, a chemical commonly used to make plastic cutlery, and also used in fertilizer in Asia.

Hours after the announcement, the nationwide pet food recall, which had involved only so-called wet foods — all manufactured by Menu Foods and sold under a variety of brand names — was expanded to include one brand of dry cat food, Prescription Diet m/d Feline, made by Hills Pet Nutrition

The brand was found to have been made with a batch of wheat gluten shipped to the United States from China that the FDA said was laced with melamine.

Dr. Karen Halligan explains which ingredients pet owners should look out for and avoid, and steps to insure you are buying safe food.

What is wheat gluten?
Gluten is a glycoprotein that's found in wheat, oat and barley. It's used to thicken, and to make gravy in wet food. It may also be used in dry food as part of a protein supplement or a carbohydrate source.

How to pick a good dog food
You want to pick a dog food that conforms to minimal AAFCO (Association of American Feed Control Officials) standards because AAFCO officials strictly regulate pet food.

You want to pick pet foods that have good sources of animal protein. If you look at the ingredient list, it is listed in descending order by amount — just like humans. So the first two or three ingredients should be some type of animal protein — chicken, beef, fish, lamb, beef or turkey. They shouldn't be vegetable, wheat or grain, or animal by-products.

Also, the pet food — can or bag — should have an expiration date. And it should have a phone number and/or Web site, so you can call the company and ask questions. These are the things that are going to be on high-quality pet foods. You also want to look for natural preservatives, like vitamin C or vitamin E, and stay away from chemical preservatives. Ethoxyquine is one that they used years back that was determined to be a carcinogenic, and are no longer using.

Avoid generic-label or store-label brands because the food is probably from bulk suppliers. Don't pick products that have unidentified meat or bone meal. It's got to specify the protein(i.e. chicken, turkey, salmon).

Avoid preservatives that are controversial: BHT, ethoxyquine, BHA and propolyneglycol. Those are things you don't want to see on the label.

Key points
Make sure there are no wheat or wheat gluten products in your pet food, and monitor your pet's behavior to be sure your pet is well.

Avoid these ingredients


Wheat or wheat gluten
BHT
Ethoxyquine
BHA
Propylene glycol

How to pick safe food


Read ingredient labels
Find AAFCO stamp
Check expiration date
Get contact information

Not in human food, that's good news, but what exactly do we feed our pets?

Updated: 2:08 p.m. PT April 2, 2007
The U.S. is blocking imports of wheat gluten from a company in China, acting after an investigation implicated the contaminated ingredient in the recent pet-food deaths of cats and dogs.

The Food and Drug Administration took action against wheat gluten from Xuzhou Anying Biologic Technology Development Co. in Wangdien, China, after the U.S. recall of nearly 100 brands of pet food made with the chemically contaminated ingredient. The pet food, tainted with the chemical melamine, apparently has resulted in kidney failure in an unknown number of animals across the country.

Wheat gluten from China has been suspected in the outbreak since the first of multiple recalls was announced in mid-March. Even more pet food could be recalled in the next few days, though there probably has been no contamination of human food, FDA officials said Monday.

Pompous, arrogant, Ass or April Fool Spoof?

BURGER KING INTRODUCES LEFT-HANDED WHOPPERS

News Release
Thursday 1:15 GMT Thursday 1 April 2007
FOOD
CONSUMER
Burger King


Burger King UK today announced the launch of its latest salvo in the battle of the Burger Wars - the new left-handed Whopper - which will become available nation-wide tomorrow April 1.

The UK's most preferred hamburger will still consist of lettuce, onions, pickles, mayonnaise, ketchup and four-ounce flame-grilled hamburger patty, but the sandwich has been re-designed to fit more comfortably in the left hand. This will result in fewer condiment 'spills' for left-handed hamburger lovers.

The new Left-Handed Whopper will have all the condiments rotated 180 degrees, thereby redistributing the weight of the sandwich so that the bulk of them skew to the left.

"We have always been proud of the fact that we offered 1,024 ways to order our flagship Whopper sandwich, now we are offering 1,025 ways! It's the ultimate 'Have It Your Way' for our left-handed customers," says Lorraine Thomson, Marketing Director for Burger King UK.

The Left Handed Club estimates that nearly 11 million left-handed customers visit Burger King restaurants in the UK each year. Lauren Milsom from the Club comments: "We are delighted that Burger King has recognised the difficulties of holding a hamburger in your left hand that has a natural right bias to it. We urge all left handed hamburger lovers to visit their nearest Burger King and taste the difference for themselves."

Initially, the Left-Handed Whopper will only be available in the UK, however Burger King is considering plans to roll it out to other countries with large left handed populations.

Notes to Editors:

Burger King UK and its franchisees operate 527 restaurants around the country and more than 10,000 restaurants in 53 countries and international territories around the world. In fiscal year 1998, Burger King had system-wide sales of $10.3 billion. Burger King UK is a subsidiary of Diageo plc, one of the world's leading branded consumer products businesses.

U2

You Too

NY police spied on anti-Bush protesters

Suzanne Goldenberg in Washington
Monday March 26, 2007
The Guardian


Undercover New York police officers spent more than a year spying on would-be protesters ahead of the 2004 Republican national convention, monitoring church groups and street theatre troupes which had no intention of breaking the law, it was reported yesterday.
The scope of the inquiry ... - ... long suspected by activists ... - ... saw officers infiltrating groups opposed to George Bush, or monitoring their activities in web chat rooms, and filing daily reports on their activities, the New York Times reported.

Although the ostensible mission of the Republican National Convention Intelligence squad was to identify the potential for violence at the August 2004 convention, the investigation quickly spiralled into surveillance of environmentalists, anti-war groups, and even three local elected officials.
It also spread to events in cities hundreds of miles away or months ahead of the convention, such as a group of concerts in October 2003 by Bands against Bush. The newspaper said that the majority of those who came under scrutiny had no intention of breaking the law.

Such surveillance was made possible by the atmosphere after 9/11 which saw a strengthening of the intelligence apparatus, and a greater willingness to use those resources. The presence of Mr Bush and top Republicans in a Democratic city had fuelled fears about an attack, and about managing protesters. It led to tight security at the convention and more than 1,800 arrests.

The surveillance targets even included street theatre performers such as Billionaires for Bush.

"It was a running joke that some of the new faces were 25- to 32-year-old males asking, 'First name, last name?' " Marco Ceglie, of Billionaires for Bush, said. "Some people didn't care; it bothered me and a couple of other leaders, but we didn't want to make a big stink because we didn't want to look paranoid."

By Ted Vanderveldt

Monday
3/26/07
11:02 pm

I can only count ten stars
then I stop
because they start to spin
and it is too hard to concentrate.

wind rattles leaves.

I love it lying here
but the sticks and balls from the sweet gum tree
hurt my back.

cars pass and toss empty cups and
the bags from fast food restaurants
into the grass in front of my house.

the red streak of a flicked cigarette butt.

I get up to look at the tulips by the gate
but the night has eaten their color.

I sit on the steps in front of my door
and my eyes fall to the grass beneath that tree
there I imagine a rectangle of turned dirt
with my body 6 feet beneath it.

the roots of that sacred tree worming through the
soil to wrap themselves around my bones
crack them open and suck the marrow.

moonlight and my rattling ghost up in the branches.

AP New York - Fort Drum soldier killed in Iraq

February 13, 2007, 7:54 PM EST

ASTORIA, Ore. -- A Fort Drum soldier has died in Baghdad of wounds suffered from small-arms fire, military officials said Tuesday.

Army Pfc. Brian A. Browning, 20, Astoria, Ore., died Feb. 6, apparently when a guard tower he was in came under fire, his father said.

His father, Perry Browning, told The Daily Astorian newspaper in Oregon that few other details about his son's death had been made available.

Brian Browning was serving his first tour in Iraq and was assigned to the 4th Battalion, 31st Infantry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 10th Mountain Division.

He had recently been in Astoria on leave, his father said. He said Browning was born in Florida but lived most of his life in Astoria.

He enjoyed driving and "working on things," as well as playing computer games, his father told the newspaper.

He joined the Army about three years ago. "He wanted to do something for his country," Perry Browning said. "He wanted to support the guys who were already there, and he believed in the mission."

The United States had already been in Iraq two years when Browning enlisted and he was fully aware he would likely be sent to the war-torn country when he signed up, his family said. But he believed in the mission and wanted to support his country and the troops already there.

He began his first tour of duty in Iraq in August, serving as the light-machine gunner for his infantry squad. When he came home on a two-week leave last month, Browning told his family he was considering making the Army a career.

Community remembers Oregon soldier

The Associated Press

WARRENTON, Ore. — Hundreds of people gathered to remember Spc. Brian A. Browning, 20. He was killed Feb. 6 south of Baghdad when a guard tower he was in came under fire.

Browning is from the Olney area near Astoria.

While some attended the memorial, others paid tribute as Browning’s body was carried down U.S. 101. Local firefighters hung flags from ladder trucks, and Oregon State Police troopers led the solemn procession.

Brian Browning is said to have found purpose in the Army.

After being rejected because he didn’t have a high school diploma, Browning finished his education at the Tongue Point Job Corps site, lost 40 pounds and enlisted in June 2005. He was stationed with the 10th Mountain Infantry Division at Fort Drum, N.Y., following boot camp at Fort Benning, Ga.

When he enlisted, Browning joined a military tradition in his family. One grandfather retired from the Navy, his father Perry Browning served in the Navy, and an uncle, Doug Carson of Tigard, retired from the Army. A cousin is serving in the Oregon National Guard and recently completed a tour in Iraq.

His parents, Perry and Paula Browning, sobbed quietly at the memorial.

“Brian stood up for what’s out there and what’s right,” his father said before the funeral. “He went there knowing full well what he was facing.”

A Little bit Late

Sterling

I could. I’ve even toyed with the idea.
Just leave. Jets go every fuckin where.
Debauchery is in my blood,
But where fire was in my belly now comfort lies and jells

What muse hasn’t dried up or gone on to more eager prospects.
What mentor hasn’t died? Did his genius drive him to the next world,
Or was it just the shitty heroin?

Things are good now. So much better than I’d hoped.
But the pangs are getting stronger, flooding in over the walls.

Why do I miss it so much?

It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again

Hear Jack

Hunter S. Thompson on Richard Nixon and More

Daniel Rogan holds a photo of his 9-month-old kitten that was euthanized after eating what the family believes was tainted pet food

WEB EXCLUSIVE
By Matthew Philips
Newsweek
Updated: 5:09 p.m. PT March 21, 2007
March 21, 2007 - It's been nearly a week since Canadian pet-food manufacturer Menu Foods Inc. recalled some 60 million cans and pouches of wet food linked to the deaths of at least 15 cats and one dog, yet authorities still can't explain exactly what went wrong. Some critics and animal lovers are honing in on what they see as lax regulation of the $15 billion pet-food industry in the United States.

"There's almost a void there," says Bob Vetere, president of the American Pet Product Manufacturers Association. "There is no real pet-food department of any federal agency."

Technically, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration is responsible for ensuring that pet foods, like human foods, are safe to eat, truthfully labeled and produced under sanitary conditions. But on Tuesday, FDA officials admitted that the regulation of pet food takes a back seat to its regulatory obligations of other food and drug sectors, and that inspections of pet-food processing plants are done only on a for-cause basis.

"There are limited resources," said David Elder, director of the Office of Surveillance and Compliance in the FDA's Center for Veterinary Medicine in Rockville, Md. Elder added that inspections of companion animals' food products are "based on risk." Which means that the processing plant in Emporia, Kans., where the tainted food was manufactured, had never been inspected by government officials until after consumers started complaining about pets dying of kidney failure. The Emporia plant remains open and continues to produce new food, according to a Menu Foods spokesperson, who adds that safety tests are being done around the clock.

Positivity vs. Negativity

So the Hollander used to know this couple. It was the most remarkable case of opposites attracting we have ever seen. The woman in the couple, we'll call her Wendy because its her real name and we know it will piss her off, was sitting way down south right smack on the negative pole. She used to work with us and we customarily picked her up each day because she didn't have a license, a car, or anything else. This was all SOMEBODY ELSE'S fault, of course. Without fail the first words out of her mouth each and every morning were "Well, the reason I'm pissed off today is..." Our first saying about her was that you could hand her a large bag filled with silver lining and she would dig through it madly because she would just know there had to be a dark cloud in there somewhere. Later we changed that to she could win a hundred gazillion dollars in the lottery and the first words out of her mouth would be "Great, now I haveta pay taxes!"

Her boyfriend Tony was one of those guys who only saw the upside of things. You could burn down his house, poison his little puppy, and tell him his grand daughter was in the hospital in a coma, and he would not budge his ass off that positive pole way up north. We used to TRY to piss him off just to see if he was capable of the emotion. The man saw something positive in any given situation or person. We thought we finally had him nailed when we challenged him to find something positive about Jeffery Dahmer. We told him how Dahmer had raped and killed little boys, after which he dismembered their bodies and buried them under his house. We told of how he was one of America's worst serial killers and how it had gone on for years. Tony paused for a moment and asked, "He was burying the bodies under his own house and this went on for years?" "Yes, it was horrible", we exclaimed. He smiled and said, "Well, he was a homeowner and paid his property taxes like any good citizen should, otherwise they would have taken his house away"

The Hollander prefers a little bit of balance. How about you?

The Political Compass™

Welcome to The Political Compass™.

There's abundant evidence for the need of it. The old one-dimensional categories of 'right' and 'left', established for the seating arrangement of the French National Assembly of 1789, are overly simplistic for today's complex political landscape. For example, who are the 'conservatives' in today's Russia? Are they the unreconstructed Stalinists, or the reformers who have adopted the right-wing views of conservatives like Margaret Thatcher ?
On the standard left-right scale, how do you distinguish leftists like Stalin and Gandhi? It's not sufficient to say that Stalin was simply more left than Gandhi. There are fundamental political differences between them that the old categories on their own can't explain. Similarly, we generally describe social reactionaries as 'right-wingers', yet that leaves left-wing reactionaries like Robert Mugabe and Pol Pot off the hook.

That's about as much as we should tell you for now. After you've responded to the following propositions during the next 3-5 minutes, all will be explained. In each instance, you're asked to choose the response that best describes your feeling: Strongly Disagree, Disagree, Agree or Strongly Agree. At the end of the test, you'll be given the compass, with your own special position on it.

The test is entirely anonymous. None of your personal details are required, and nothing about your result is recorded or logged in any way. The answers are only used to calculate your reading, and cannot be accessed by anyone, ever.

The idea was developed by a political journalist with a university counselling background, assisted by a professor of social history. They're indebted to people like Wilhelm Reich and Theodor Adorno for their ground-breaking work in this field. We believe that, in an age of diminishing ideology, a new generation in particular will get a better idea of where they stand politically - and the sort of political company they keep.

So are you ready to take the test? Remember that there's no right, wrong or ideal response. It's simply a measure of attitudes and inevitable human contradictions to provide a more integrated definition of where people and parties are really at. Click here to start.

If you wish to contact us, email info@politicalcompass.org.

Bush, Congress may fight on executive privilege By James Vicini

Wed Mar 21, 2:15 PM ET



WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Richard Nixon invoked it during Watergate, President Bill Clinton briefly asserted it during the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal, and President George W. Bush might next claim executive privilege in his battle with Congress.

A possible confrontation moved a step closer on Wednesday when a Democratic-led congressional subcommittee approved subpoenas to be used if White House aides refuse to testify under oath about the firing of eight U.S. prosecutors.

The action came the day after a defiant Bush vowed to oppose in court, if necessary, any subpoenas for his close political aide Karl Rove or other White House advisors.

The White House has offered to allow the aides to answer questions, but only behind closed doors, not under oath and with no transcript taken of their exchanges.

Any court battle probably would turn on executive privilege, a legal doctrine invoked occasionally throughout U.S. history to shield presidents and their aides from having to answer questions or turn over information to Congress or grand juries.

"That's the big question -- is Bush willing to go all the way on this?" one administration official asked. "Chances are he may feel this is worth it."

The U.S. Supreme Court in 1974 rejected Nixon's claim of executive privilege in the Watergate scandal and ruled that he must comply with a federal grand jury subpoena for the Watergate tapes.

In the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Clinton asserted executive privilege in 1998 in an attempt to block two of his White House advisors from testifying before a grand jury.

But a federal judge rejected the request, and Clinton then abandoned the claim before the dispute reached the Supreme Court.

If Rove and others refuse to answer questions under oath, claiming executive privilege, it would likely be challenged in the courts, a Democratic aide in Congress said. "Absolutely," the aide said.

A judge then would have to decide if the person deserves executive privilege -- a process that could lead to lengthy litigation and appeals.

A former U.S. Justice Department official predicted that a court fight probably will be averted.

"I expect that it will be resolved," the former official said, adding that in the past such disputes between the White House and Congress typically are worked out through a political compromise.

Alan Morrison, a Stanford University law professor who has argued a number of cases before the Supreme Court on the separation of powers between the various branches of government, agreed.

"My hunch is that, despite the noises on both sides, there will be some kind of a compromise. The White House has given up too much information already to have this be a good test case for executive privilege," he said.

Something Hollander Would do

I love this! A kid in Alaska prints up this big banner that says Bong Hits 4 Jesus. Its giving conservatives coniption fits. If the sue-preme court sides with the kid, they are promoting drug use. If they side with the Principal of the school, they run the risk of getting religious messages banned from school. Oh, what is a freedom hating conservative to do? Yeah! Free Speech , Baby!

PMDD

Have you seen the commercial for this product called Yaz? You know the one. It has that pretty 23 year old looking girl playing the role of a doctor. Man she must be smart to have completed all that schooling, internship, and residency in like 5 years. Well they have updated the commercial now. It tells us that if a woman has pre-menstrual symtoms such as headache, irritability, and mood swings, that affect her ability to function and the lives of those around her, that it isn't PMS. Its really Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

Affects the lives of those around her?

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!

Okay, I think I'm going to just shut up at this point. Don't want to get killed or de-balled by some poor woman with PMDD.

ENOUGH

Any Benjamin's out there in the Audience?

"The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls"

Man Eater:

A woman who uses your ego as a dirty dish towel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be left in the sink.

Go To Hell

For criminal acts and violence on the stage
For being a brat
Refusing to act your age
For all the decent citizens you've enraged
You can go to Hell
For gambling and drinking alcohol constantly
For making us doubt our parents authority
For choosing to be a living obscenity
You can go to Hell
You're something that never should have happened
You even make your Grandma sick
You'd poison a blind man's dog and steal his cane
You'd gift-wrap a leper
And mail him to your Aunt Jane
You'd even force-feed a diabetic a candy cane
You can go to Hell
You're something that never should have happened
You even make your Grandma sick
For criminal acts and violence on the stage
For being a brat
Refusing to act your age
For all the decent citizens you've enraged
You can go to Hell

And now for something that seems vaguely pornographic, but is really just stupid

So this is what is has come to for my blog.

Right next door to the Annoying Calls Bureau

Okay, don't say I didn't warn you

Wednesday Follies

Come again, Mr. Speaker?

Gingrich owns up to extra-marital affair
By Alex Spillius in Washington
Last Updated: 2:05am GMT 10/03/2007



Newt Gingrich, the Republican who led efforts in Congress to impeach Bill Clinton over his involvement with Monica Lewinsky, has admitted he was having an affair at the time.

Mr Gingrich, who has not ruled himself out of the 2008 presidential race, said in an interview with the Christian group Focus on the Family: "The honest answer is yes. There are times that I have fallen short of my own standards. There's certainly times when I've fallen short of God's standards."

His extra-marital activity has been widely reported previously but never admitted by the former house leader.

Mr Gingrich however argued that he should not be viewed as a hypocrite for pursuing Clinton's infidelity.

"The president of the United States got in trouble for committing a felony in front of a sitting federal judge," the former Georgia congressman said. Clinton was impeached by Congress in December 1998 on perjury and obstruction of justice charges during an investigation into his relationship with Miss Lewinsky. He was acquitted at a Senate trial.

Mr Gingrich added: "I drew a line in my mind that said, 'Even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed, and even though at a purely personal level I am not rendering judgment on another human being, as a leader of the government trying to uphold the rule of law, I have no choice except to move forward and say that you cannot accept...perjury in your highest officials."

Gingrich, who frequently campaigned on family values issues, has married three times. His first wife claims he discussed divorce details while she was recovering from cancer surgery. His current spouse, Callista Bisek, is a former congressional aide more than 20 years his junior.

Can You Say "We told you so"

FBI admits abuse of Patriot Act


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All Financial Times NewsThe Bush administration misused its authority and improperly obtained personal information about people in the US on hundreds of occasions, according to a report released by a US Justice Department watchdog.

Robert Mueller, director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, said he was to be held accountable for the abuses, which involved the improper use of so-called national security letters, which allowed the FBI to obtain personal information, including telephone, banking, and e-mail records.

Its Friday

Oregon Bluesman dies at 55

PORTLAND - Blues harmonica player Paul deLay, a fixture on the Oregon music scene for more than three decades, died Wednesday at a Portland hospital of leukemia. He was 55.

Bass player and band member Jimmy Lloyd Rea of Baker City, Ore., said that deLay had been in and out of hospitals for a decade, but that traces of the leukemia were not reported until about 48 hours before he died.

Paul deLay recorded a dozen albums. His last show was with his band on Saturday, a benefit at Klamath Fall's Ross Ragland Theater. Guitarist Pete Dammann said deLay felt ill after the show and thought it might be from the band's recent trip to Mexico. Doctors diagnosed late-stage leukemia and deLay went into a coma.

In the early 1970s deLay and others formed an electric band called Brown Sugar and played the West Coast, laying a foundation for Portland's reputation as a blues city.

The Paul deLay Blues Band formed in 1976 and toured for more than a decade. It is reported that deLay battled alcohol and cocaine problems.
3/7/2007 - To go to the official Paul Delay website click here:
http://www.pauldelay.com/home.ihtml

The Late Great Paul deLay

Editor's Note - The story below is true and accurate to the best of my knowledge in the drunken state Colin and I were in that night. Goodbye Paul. It was a pleasure to meet you, sir.

The Hollander
Sometime in the early 90's, I chanced to meet a young man named Colin McCartney. Colin "everybody must have a healthy Colin" McCartney was a fine Irish Catholic lad. He was also the single most politically conservative guy I have ever met. After many a drunken night arguing the finer points of the political dealings in America, we came to be close friends.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE:
One muggy ass evening in downtown Portland, Oregon. Colin & Chuck decided to quench their thirst for pretentious beer, testosterone charged sports, music at ear damaging decibels, and incredibly horny broads by stepping in to the Virginia City Cafe. For a goof, and hoping that some roughneck types would take them for a gay couple, they bought matching tee shirts at the door. "This is your brain...this is your brain on drugs...this is your brain on drugs at the Virginia City Cafe". One will have to imagine the hillarious fried egg pictures on the fronts.

Now as the Portland Trailblazers were busy getting their asses kicked by the L.A. Lakers on live national TV, the bar was quite crowded. We're talking 13 people thick just to wait for their first beer. Being the enterprising young knuckleheads that they were, Colin & Chuck noticed the oversized half-round booth in the corner with a single oversized gentleman sitting there underneath the coolest Fedora hat. Quickly they seized upon the opportunity and strolled over to ask the oversized Fedora man if they could join him. Perhaps he would like to partake in a beer on their tab for his kindness? With a look of mild surprise that Colin & Chuck recognized but did not understand, the large man in question said "Sure, what are your names? Are you a gay couple?"

Many pitchers of pretentious beer later, the large friendly man in the cool Fedora asked if the guys happened to know who he was. "Yah, you're the really cool guy who bought us all this beer and we will probably try to steal your hat before this is all over."

The man smiled and said " I like you guys, you wanta party with me and my buddies and some hot chicks after the bar closes tonight?"

You can probably surmise the rather enthusiastic answer the boys gave that question.

About then, a member of the band who had been busy all this time setting up equipment on the stage, got on the mic and said "Ladies and gentleman, it is my great pleasure to introduce the greatest blues man this city has ever known - Please welcome Mr. Paul Delay!!!"

The cool Fedora man chugged down his beer, thanked Colin & Chuck for their company, and said "Boys, I gotta go to work now, meet me out front when the bar closes". Then he leaped (yes leaped) up on the stage, whipped out his harmonica and thanked the cheering crowd. When the initial applause died off, he waited a beat, then announced to the audience "Folks, I'd like you to meet two good friends of mine, Colin & Chuck. Bartender, all their drinks tonight are on my tab. And ladies, I hear they are both single. Don't let the tee shirts throw you, they aren't gay. See you two at the after party tonight!"

That was Paul Delay's last show before going off to jail for a year on cocain charges.
POSTED BY JACQ AT 10:18 AM
5 COMMENTS:
screwball said...
now that's perfect.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 01, 2005 11:30:00 AM
rich bachelor said...
Yeah, no shit. I met Mr. Delay, post coke, post pokey. Nice guy.
The Virgina, however, is a pain in my ass. Shame, too. Used to be cool. Where in the hell was a stage in that space?
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 01, 2005 2:49:00 PM
cats dig me said...
Remember this was early 90's, like probably 90, maybe even 89. The place had just been remodeled into a yuppie brew pub and was still kinda cool. I heard the coolness shot out the door very soon after that. Too bad. The stage was straight back from the front door. as you walked inta da joint- the bar and brewery were to your left, tables to the right and the teeniest dance floor ya ever saw straight back by that little stage (which had been modified for Mr. Delay's gerth)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 01, 2005 3:23:00 PM
cats dig me said...
There is a second part to the story that I didn't work in. A year later Colin & I went back to the Virginia Cafe to watch the Blazers lose again. Paul was there again, having his I just got outta jail show. He spotted us after some song ended and pointed us out to the audience again. Good after party.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 01, 2005 3:45:00 PM
rich bachelor said...
And go check my space over there for my own story concerning the V.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 01, 2005 5:04:00 PM

I bought me a new vehicle

The buzz log. What the world is searching for...

Fifth Graders: More Brains and More Buzz
By Gordon Hurd
Sat, March 03, 2007, 2:30 pm PST

At the end of Tuesday's episode of "American Idol," host Ryan Seacrest plugged Jeff Foxworthy's new game show, "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" Ryan asked for an example of a question, and Jeff came back with, "What's a trapezoid?"

As testament to the overwhelming influence of "Idol" and to the appeal of Foxworthy's new quiz show, people rushed to Search and pushed queries on "trapezoid" up 5,680%. Who would have guessed that a quadrilateral having two parallel sides could get more Buzz than all the Season 6 contestants combined (except for Antonella Barba, of course)?

The quiz show with the hard-to-swallow concept has proven easy to follow. Twenty-six million adults, who apparently don't know squat, do know what they like to watch. Buzz on Foxworthy's show (and his slick mustache) jumped 173% after the premiere episode. Questions from the broadcast are just as popular, perhaps providing the show's title with a sad but true answer.

Beyond searching for the truth about trapezoids, adults have also reached out in desperation for "rem sleep" (+8,586%), "list of impeached presidents" (+3,808%), "dewey decimal system" (+1,604%), and "definition of a prime number" (+418%) among other quizzical queries.

Being the smarty-pants that we are, we have full confidence we could take on a force of fifth graders. But that doesn't mean we won't tune in to watch folks who may not have the brains to take on a 10-year-old.