Attention: New Voting Requirements Instituted

I was reading a post over at Simply Left Behind that was, in part, about how stupid some American voters are. This has inspired Hollander to come up with a new voting system and a set of requirements necessary in order to participate. Every four years each citizen will take a set of mandatory tests that gauge their emotional maturity, experience, knowledge of recent world history, and their IQ. The emotional maturity standard will be set at that of a sixth grader. We know that is twice as high as most voters currently have, but we believe this is an achievable goal. For experience, it will be considered essential that each potential voter has traveled a minimum of 35 miles outside of their hometown, and stayed there at least 24 hours in order to expose themselves to foreigners and their strange ways. Knowledge of current world history will include events of today, last week, and last summer. We know this will tax most Americans short attention spans, but think it is necessary to have well informed voters. Now we come to the most vital part of the testing. Once the potential voter has demonstrated expertise in the prerequisite areas, he will then be allowed to take the IQ portion of the test. All persons who pass the tests will be forced to take part in the voting process. Once the voter's level is determined he will be led to the voting booth and the votes will count on a weighted scale, thusly:

IQ level 99 and below: not allowed to vote
IQ level 100 - 120: 1/2 vote on local matters, 1/4 vote on national matters
IQ level 121 - 130: 3/4 vote on all matters
IQ level 131 - 140: 1 full vote on local matters, 1 1/2 votes on national matters
IQ level 141 - 150: 2 votes on all matters
IQ level 151 - 160: 3 votes on all matters plus negates 1 vote from the US south
IQ level 161 - 170: 3 1/2 votes plus person of voter's choice performs oral sex
IQ level 171 - 180: 4 votes plus voter is appointed to the office of Vice President
IQ level 181 and above: You are obviously not an American and are, therefore, not allowed to vote

The conservatives have come up with a planned "revitalization" of the voting process as well. We give them kudos for their efforts, but think it is unnecessarily complex and just a little harsh. It is based on class, money, geographical location, and job description

Homeless: Taken out and shot

Mentally Ill: Put on a charter bus and dropped off in the middle of the night in Astoria (either Oregon or New York)

Illegal Alien: 1 vote but only on Bush immigration policies

Guy who scoops up horseshit in parades: East coast 0 votes, West coast 1/8 vote

Janitor: 1 vote but has to clean up the polling place afterwards

Accountant: 0 votes in Northeast, 1/2 vote in other blue states, 2 votes in red states, 12,000 votes in Texas

Carpenter: Decides what type of wood to use to build polling place, except in southern US where he decides what type of wood to use to build gallows since slavery was just reintroduced

Truck drivers: Northern tier drivers get one vote but will not be allowed time off to visit polling place. Southern tier drivers will be given 1 vote in each state they drive through

Lawyer: Prosecutors 5 votes (except in south where it will be 1864 votes) Defense attorneys will be taken out and shot with homeless

Judges: Activist liberal judges hanged, activist conservative judges get as many votes as they wish and an airport named after them

Military personnel: Get to vote on what meal is served when Condi Rice visits their mess hall on yet another wartime Christmas

Doctor: 1 vote but must have prior authorization from insurance and pharmaceutical companies

Rich guys: millionaires - one million votes, billionaires - one billion votes...
Rich gals: decide which color scheme to decorate the mansion for the upcoming social season

GW Bush: however many votes Dick and Daddy tell him he gets

Karl Rove: 1 vote, but that cancels out ALL other votes

Now we hope this brings some needed clarification to the process. We here at the Space believe that either plan is workable. It is up to you, the American (or AmeriKan) voters, to decide which system will be best for you.