Kim Basinger - Now That's a Dance!

and this...

Sports

It is my contention that there are just too many activities out there that people like to call sports. American football is the only true sport isn't it? Let's see.

Golf. Golf is not a sport. Its men in ugly pants, walking. (I stole that from Rosie O'Donnell)

Baseball. Men having a picnic together in their pajamas while they all yearn to be safe at home.

Basketball. A meeting of thugs and reprobates.

Ice Hockey. White men bashing each other in the face with big sticks.

Lacrosse. Sounds French, 'nuff said.

Wrestling. Off Broadway theatre, dahling.

Boxing. Hockey without the sticks.

Soccer. Version Alpha - Drunken Europeans killing each other in the stands over a pointless game (often literally pointless, yay)
Version Beta - American women with funny looking hair-do's letting their urchins run around in a field for several hours to end up with a score of "fun-fun"

A Meme from Jacq - Join in, you Lay-Abouts

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30 AM

2. Diamonds or Pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the theater? I can't remember

4. What is your favorite TV show? Believe it or not, the Gilmore Girls. Mmm, love me some Lauren Graham!

5. What did you have for breakfast? Mocha, wheat bagel with garden veg cream cheese

6. What is your middle name? Edward

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian/Mexican/Chinese

8. What foods do you dislike? Pasta (yah, I know, it makes no sense)

9. Your favorite Potato chip? Snyder's Hawaiian Sweet Onion Potato Chips

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? My self-made MP3 disc of 60's & 70's

11. What kind of car do you drive? Chevy Avalanche

12. Favorite sandwich? Deli Roast Beef

13. What characteristics do you despise? Extreme flip-flopperence & waffleness

14. Favorite item of clothing? Boxer-briefs

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? West

16. What color is your bathroom? White/Burgandy

17. Favorite brand of clothing? Old Navy

18. Where would you want to retire to? Your bedroom

19. Favorite time of day? Sunset/Sunrise

20. Where were you born? Longview, Washington

21. Favorite Sports to watch? NFL

22. Who do you least expect to send this back? Everyone

23. Person who will respond first? Catsdigme

24. What laundry detergent do you use? Costco/Kirkland Signature

25. Coke or Pepsi? Regular Pepsi - Diet Coke

26. Are you a morning person or night owl? Both

27. What size shoe do you wear? 8 1/2, 10 1/2, 14 1/2. Depends on what part of the foot you're talkin bout.

28.Favorite animal? Pause

29. Any news you'd like to share with everyone?

30. What did you want to be when you were little? Big

31. Favorite candy bar? Butterfinger, dude

32. What are your favorite childhood memories? Grandpa Ted

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Janitor, maintenance, bartender, liquor store clerk, Oregon DHR, park ranger, life guard, business owner...

34. What color underwear are you wearing? Black

35. Nicknames? Chuck, Chucky, Chuckie, Chas., Charles, CV, Charley, Baby, Dear, Honey,Shithead, Whiney-bitch, fuck-nut, - people are sooo imaginative!

36. Piercing? Ear

37. Eye color? Brown

38. Ever been to Africa? No

39. Ever been toilet papering? No, egging

40. Ever loved someone so much it made you cry? Happens all the fucking time - Thanks!

41. Ever been in a car accident? Yes

44. Favorite restaurant? Taste of Tuscany, Shoalwater Inn, Wendy's

45. Favorite ice cream? Peanut Buster Parfait

46. Favorite flower? Multi colored roses

47. Disney or Warner Brothers? Warner Bros Rock!

48. Favorite fast food restaurant? Wendy's

49 What color is your bedroom carpet? Murder in the 1st degree red

50. Did you take your drivers test? Yes

51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email? Jacq

52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Pier 1 and Lowes

53. What do you do when you are bored? Sex works

54. What time do you go to bed? As often as possible

55. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? No one

56. Last person you went to dinner with? Mirilla

57 What are you listening to right now? The jury duty recording

58. What is your favorite color? royal blue

59. River or Lake ? Lake

61. How many tattoos do you have? None, tattoos are trashy and stupid

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The chicken. A chicken is an actual chicken, an egg is a potential chicken. shut up already.

63. How many people are you sending this Email to? None. It's on my blog.

64. Who sent this to you and what is something you didn't know about him/her? Jacq - very little

65. What materialistic thing would you ask for if you had one wish to make? A mansion and a yacht.

Drunken Sots

Is ther any other type of sot, really? I mean, have you ever known a sober sot? huh? Yah, I figured as much. So tonight was the annual graduation dinner for my business class. I am currently in the 8th year of a three year course. I am just that dedicated, or stoopid, whichever. This year I graciously invited (read drug their asses) my chief ecxeutive assistant/secretary/personal assistant/office manager Rachel, her funny-ass large breasted sister Heather (who I think I used to sleep with), and two of my three pseudo step-daughters to join the festivitieas.

It was quite fun watching the two younger ladies getting saused on virgin margaritas and daquiries. It was even more fun getting Heather and Rachel fucked up on the real thiung. I'm pretty sure its the only time I have ever rode in the backseat of my own vehicle. I found out I have tinted windows, a removeable rear windshield, and lots of leg room in that truck. Who woulda guessed that. I also determined that Stoli's Vanil vodka is the rockinest shit in the world, man. I have also determined something about myself. I like females.

Now I know that all the hetero guys in the world are SUPPOSED to like femalwes, but i mean I REALLY dig the feminine sex. I sat there at this semi-sorta-fun dinner and it turned into a total blast. I got to hear gossip, innuendo, dirty dirty sex talk, flirting, bitching,belching, laughing, and feighned insults to my (and everyone else's) masculinity. I got the chance to play host, date, daddy, lover, boyfroend, boss, and sugar-daddy to a group of beautiful women. I think my ego just got an erection and shot watermelon all over the first three rows of the audience, like Gallagher.

So here is my late-night, drunken tribute to all of the wonderful feamales in my life: In drunken-alphabetical order - Allanah, you are the sweetest, kindest, prettiest, most caring and loving girl a psedo-step-dad could ask for; Brenna, I am so proud of you. You put yourself out there every single day in any given situation and never show your fear, except to me, which makes me love you even more; Caroline, I've known you longer than anybody, and you've never changed. You are still that open, sensitive, 14 year old girl i met 27 years ago; Cindy, you are still an enigma to me, you have been since I developed that high school crush on you so many years ago. I still have that same crush on you now - oh mysterious one; Heather, that blend of free-spiritedness and responsibility is the biggest turn-on ever; Jacqueline, I've never fallen that fast, that hard, and that deep for anyone. I told you before that I've only bestowed the title of "the lovely" on four women in my lifetime. What I didnt say is that out of that select group, you are the one who receives the honor of "the loveliest", yes, even over Michelle; Mary, you cannot be contained. Thank you for showing me how to let go of life's responsibilities and stresses, and for loving me regardless of my current situation; Mirrila, I knew you and loved you before you were even born. I will always be there for you, till the end of your days; Rachel, you keep me sane. If it wasn't for you, I would have folded up my tent and wandered off into the desert to die more than two years ago. thanks for keeping me alive.

There are others, but these are the beautiful females who are in my life on a daily basis. I love you all.

Jury Duty - Day 1

My initial thoughts as I prepare to head off to my first day of jury duty are: Its early, I'm damn tired, oh my god I AM one of those people who are too stupid to get out of jury duty. I'll let you know how it goes.

DAY 1 IS COMPLETE. I SERVED ON A JURY!

The case was semi-interesting. At least it wasn't yet another drunk driving thing. A gentleman who listed himself as a transient was accused of stealing a 1989 Camry. We had some expert witness testimony, a little CSI type evidence, and even a bit of humor. I'll go into more detail later, but for now I'll tell you the results. We found him guilty of Unauthorized Use, and Possession of a Stolen Vehicle. We found him not guilty of Theft. There was an attempt (by three women as per usual) to make me foreman of the jury. Since I have held that position many times in the past I know what a pain in the ass it can be. I managed to get another man elected and he promptly made me his "vice-foreman". Great, now I'm Dick Cheney. More on this wonderful jury later.

THE SYSTEM WORKS - WELL IT DID IN THIS CASE ANYWAY

I was just explaining in the comments section of this post how I truly believe in the American trial by jury system. It is far from perfect. There are too many "activist" judges on the bench, although unlike our conservative citizens, I believe they are activists for the agenda of the political right. Many prosecutors are over zealous and care more about conviction rates than garnering the truth in a case. The police forces in our communities are filled with power mad, hateful, Neanderthals (not EVERY police officer, but a lot of them). It is the trial by jury, I feel, that is the one saving grace of our system of jurisprudence. If the decision as to guilt had been left up to a judge and prosecutor in the case I served on, the young man would likely have been found guilty on all counts and given the harshest punishment allowed.

Let me tell you a little about the people who made up the jury I was a part of yesterday. It was made up of six men and six women. We ranged in age from 25 to 70 years old. There were no represenatives of any minority peoples, but considering they make up less than 1% of the local population that is not surprising. We had a young, female newlywed. We had two business owners (including your's truly). We had a veteran high school teacher, and a first year kindergarten teacher. We had a retired accountant. We had a construction laborer. We had an elderly housewife. We had a stay-at-home dad. We had a social worker, a bank teller, and a fisherman.

TO BE CONTINUED...

AN ESSAY IDEA STOLEN BY CATS & TOLD FROM THE MODERN MALE POINT OF VIEW

Judy Syfers' essay was written for Ms. Magazine in 1971. My how times have changed
A 2007 answer to Why I Want a Wife by Judy Syfers.

Why I want a husband.

I belong to that classification of people known as husbands. I am A Husband. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a father. Not too long ago a female friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. She had one child, who is, of course, with her, not her ex-husband. After all, everyone knows that children automatically belong with their mothers, since all men are incapable of nurturing. She is looking for another husband. As I thought about her while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I too, would like to have a husband. Why do I want a husband?

I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and if need be, support those dependent upon me. I want a husband who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a husband to take care of my children, do the laundry, clean the house, do the grocery shopping, and tend to all of those many tasks once accomplished by housewives back in 1971. I want a husband who will do his fair share or more of these jobs while simultaneously performing 100% of the tasks traditionally thought to be purview of the American male. He must be able to take out the trash, mow the lawn, rake the leaves, clean the gutters, paint the house, repair any appliance, and of course "perform" sexually upon demand. I want a husband who will attend to my every physical, psychological, and emotional need while he keeps his needs discreetly to himself. He must be able to divine these needs so that it is not necessary for me to actually communicate them to him.

I want a husband who will pick up after me, and keep my 400 pairs of shoes organized, so that I can change quickly to run off to whatever meeting, date, or activity I have planned. I want a husband who will understand that I am a busy professional and that sometimes I simply do not have time for him. I want a husband who will be completely faithful to me. At the same time my husband must allow me to have physical and emotional relationships with other people, so that those needs of mine that he does not fulfill are met. I want a husband who will pick up after my children, run them to soccer practice, 4H meetings, after school activities, and play dates. I want a husband who will also volunteer to coach the children's teams so that no one thinks I am married to some kind of wimp.

I want a husband who cooks the meals, a husband who is a great chef. I want a husband who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying and flirt with my online lovers. I want a husband who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. Naturally I want a husband who will suck it up like a man and go to work quietly no matter how sick he may be. I want a husband to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and change. I want a husband to still do all of the traditional male jobs of driving, filling the gas tank, reserving the hotel rooms, ordering and paying for the food at the restaurants we stop at, and planning every second of the itinerary. I want a husband who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a husband having to do double the duties these days. But I want a husband who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I want a husband who will type my papers for me when I have written them.

If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a husband than the husband I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present husband with another one. In fact, I believe that I should have an entire group of potential husbands to choose from so that my needs and urges do not go unattended for even a second. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my husband will pay me a minimum of 50% of his assets, no matter how much or little I contributed to the marriage. I will take the children and he will be solely responsible for them financially so that I am left with plenty of money for me, without wasting it on the children..

When I am through with school and have a job, I want my husband to keep working, and remain at home, so that my husband can more fully and completely take care of a husband's duties.

My God, who wouldn't want a husband?

Gratuitous Friday Pseudo Sex

Jury Duty

Coming soon...my latest round of jury duty and the strange things that always happen during these times.


In the meantime...

WHY YOU WOULD WANT ME ON YOUR JURY

As the saying goes, would you want your fate decided by twelve people who were too stupid to get out of jury duty? I am not one of those stoopid 12. I have a brain and I actually know how to use it. I am one of those rare individuals who believes that jury duty is a necessary rite of citizenship. I do not try to avoid it. In fact, I rather look forward to serving once every couple of years. Contrary to how many of my fellow jurors in the past have thought, I believe every defendant to be innocent until proven guilty. No one is quite sure what that phrase "beyond a reasonable doubt" means, but I always take it as "the prosecution better damn well have its shit together and convince the hell out of me" that some poor schmuck is guilty. I don't care how well or how poorly you are dressed. I don't care about your pretty smile or your rad tatto's. I come to my conclusions based on the evidence presented, my incredible perception, and the veracity of the witnesses. Which leads me to...

WHY YOU WOULD NOT WANT ME ON YOUR JURY

I have a pre-disposed distrust of authority. I do not assume that because a person is a cop that he is automatically a good, honorable person. In fact quite the opposite is true. I believe that a person in a position of power must go well beyond the norm to convince me that he is not corrupt. I also believe that most prosecuters will go to any length to obtain a conviction whether they truly believe the defendant to be guilty or not. I would prefer that those in power would seek the truth, not inflated conviction rates for re-election purposes. We shall see what wonderful stories develop in the next 28 days.

Moby Grape